Guilt, thy name is Kimmie

Well, that was one of the worst afternoons of my life. Not just of my life as a mom, but my actual life.
Sydney had her five-year appointment with a new pediatrician today. I knew, going into it, that there would be shots involved. I knew that she would not have an entirely pleasant experience. But I also knew, as the mom, that this was going to the be the best thing for my baby girl, and that we would both have to soldier through it together. The beginning of the appointment was fine, as they are, because all the bad stuff is saved for last. And that last part just about tore my heart out.
First, the finger prick and blood collection to check for anemia and all that. She cried, and complained profusely about how her finger hurt. "I don't want that to ever happen again," she said.
Lastly, the four, yes, FOUR booster shots. The nurse and I laid Syd down on the table, and while I held her torso and arms, the nurse held her legs and administered the shots. This did not go well. She got nervous as I held her, even before the first shot. I tried to calm her, rubbed her forehead, and talked to her as the nurse did her work, but the screaming and crying got to be too much for me, and eventually, all I could do was cry with her and tell her I was so sorry. Oh my god, the screaming. It was awful. And the logic, too. "Mommy, make her stop hurting me!!"
I swear, this was the first time that she could put together that I was allowing her to be hurt by getting these shots. It wasn't anything that I was about to stop. All I did was tell her that I love her, and not stop the nurse from hurting her. I know I'm overreacting, but I feel like I betrayed her in the one way that I'm never supposed to, by letting her be hurt in my presence. I'll hear her screaming in my nightmares for the rest of my life. I'll see her face when I close my eyes tonight, and it will haunt me. In fact, I may just sleep with her tonight. I can't stop hugging her.
We did discuss the reasons for the shots -- in the car on the way to Target -- and why they were so important. We talked about the medicine in each of them, and what sicknesses the medicine was saving her from. She continued to cry in spurts and hiccups the entire ride to Target, and I could barely hold my own composure when she'd start again. I couldn't comfort her enough.
There is nothing in the Target toy section that I would have not bought for her tonight. She earned both those dinosaur toys, and my guilt wouldn't allow me to limit her reward for getting through the afternoon. Tonight, as we discussed the appointment again, and she told me that I can't let that happen to her again. I was told that the next time someone wants to hurt her, I'm to push them away so we can run to the car and get away from them. I also have the option of running over them, since they won't be in a car. To clarify, I am to never let that happen ever again, and to never let anyone pinch her finger, either. It wasn't hard to promise that, as we hugged and discussed the day's events right before bed. When she needs another shot, we'll discuss how much of a liar I am, but until that day comes, I need her to trust again that I won't let her get hurt by anyone.