You know, I used to be a really good skier. I used to go skiing all the time. I've still got a big bag full of ski stuff, as well as my skis, in the storage unit. And it's been six years since I've been skiing.
Brian and I wandered through the shop, checking out the jackets, pants, hats, skis, boots and kids' stuff. All the stuff was super cute, and all of it was worthy of streaking down the mountain. And all of it made me sad.
I think it was looking at the kid stuff, the clothes that Sydney would be wearing this season, that made me actually cry in the store. All I could think of is how happy Howie would be to get Sydney up on the mountain. How, at five, she would be logging her second season on the mountain this year. How he would just love buying her new outfits every year, and how he'd dig getting her those tiny skis, and how he's be so proud of her for choosing skis over a snowboard (which she has).
I haven't skied in six years. The last time I was on a mountain was in Steamboat Springs, Colo. Brian and I had just found out that I was pregnant, and had just told Mom and Howie. It was, quite simply, one of the best ski weekends.
And getting back on the mountain, without him, terrifies me. I mean, I know that he is just flipping out right now that it's been so long since I've skied. I know that he is the voice in my head right now that's screaming at me to get some new pants, a jacket and skis. I know he's pissy at me, and wants nothing more than for me to get myself, and my kid, on a ski slope. And I know that he's the most angry about not being able to ski with us.
But this is where I get selfish. I can count on one hand, in 30 years, how many times I've skied without that man. Doing it now scares me. It upsets me. It makes me sad.
Brian's pushing for a ski trip, and in theory, I'm down with it, but in actual practice, I also know that the first day I'm up on a mountain I may just cry the entire time. It makes me sad.
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