I've got the right-ish stuff, baby

I don't talk about it as much, since, you know, NASA isn't launching spaceships anymore, but I still really want to go into space. However, I don't think I'm comfortable figuring out how to hitch a ride on a Russian ship about now. Too much political situation going on, and I don't have $20 million.
But I still would really like to be an astronaut. How does a 41-year-old journalism major without a job become an astronaut these days? Well, let's check out the criteria, and how I stack up.
Be a citizen of a country that is capable of sending people into space: CHECK.
Be the right age. NASA has flown astronauts from 32 to 46: CHECK.
Be the right height, between 5'2" and 6'3": CHECK.
Pass the physical with flying colors, reading glasses not allowed: damn.
Speak English: CHECK.
Learn how to swim, and swim well: kinda CHECK. I can tread the water, but the scuba certification is lacking.
Get excellent grades in high school: damn.
Be a stellar student at a good university: damn.
Complete around abouts three years of experience work: CHECK. Housewife.
Consider joining the military: Nope.
Apply for the job: Okay.
Be able to complete training: Hmmm. Realistically, probably not.
Duly noted that my CHECKs fell off quite a bit towards the middle and end of the list there. That's depressing. Still, it's a super fun fantasy and lofty goal. And if actually, seriously, given the opportunity to do it, I don't know. I think I'd totally try it. But someone else will have to do the math.