Howie

You know, I look at that last post and I find myself wishing that my life were again as it was that night.
I hate saying it, but avoiding the truth of the words doesn't make it less true. Howie died on Wednesday. My wonderful, ridiculous, loving, inspiring, mockable, happy, selfless Howie is no longer in my life, and I don't know how I'll come to grips with it.
You all know what he meant to me. You all know that I loved him so much. Most of you probably thought that I picked on him too much. But you know what? If I didn't, he'd want to know why I was mad at him. If I didn't, he wouldn't know how much I love him. If I didn't, he'd get to tweak at me unimpeded, and that would have sucked.
What to say, what to say. I'm at such a loss for words, though you wouldn't know it by how much I've written over the last couple days. As I told Mom, it's fitting that the education that he paid for, that the writing talent that he was so proud of, would be used to compose an obituary, directions to the remembrance gathering, and yes, a eulogy.
It's too much for me right now, to try to approach this on this level, in my personal space that I share with you all. It's too much for me to grapple with.
I will be back soon though.