Crushed by your crush

You know how when you're a kid, you have crushes on certain celebrities. Celebrities being models, actors, singers and all that. We've all had them, and we've all behaved crazily because of them. I remember that all us girls at Pinecrest loved Michael J. Fox, and since we all couldn't marry him, we split him up into his movie personalities. I got to marry Marty McFly.
Of course, my long-standing crush was always Charlie Sheen. I loved him with every ounce of my being, draping the back of my bedroom door with movie poster after movie poster. Then, well, then, we all found out about the cheerleading hookers and Heidi Fleiss. Devastating. "That's okay," I said, "that's okay. He just hasn't met me yet!" Alas, we never met, and he still cheats on his wives and girlfriends, allegedly, with hookers. After all these years, the crush is effectively dead, and I've moved on.
But still, there's the one moment when your crush breaks your heart. Like Christian Slater being arrested for abuse; River Phoenix ... well ... dying of an overdose; Don Johnson singing during the Miami Vice years; or Ben Affleck getting mixed up with J. Lo. We've all experienced our heartbreak at the hands of the men we've crushed on.
But oh man, do I feel sorry for the girls who ever had a crush on Eddie Van Halen. Does he even have any teeth? Look at this picture! We used to think that David Lee Roth got the raw deal when it came to the band breaking up, but if this is what it did to Eddie, then Diamond Dave has weathered this much better! And suddenly, even more so having glimpsed this photo, Valerie Bertinelli is the smartest woman on the planet!