Monday, August 22

I wrote this last Friday

I don’t have a whole lot going on at work today, so I might as well do some blogging, and tell you all what’s been going on the last couple weeks.
Well, in short, my emotional well-being has pretty much been destroyed, as I had to say goodbye to my sweet, wonderful, brilliant, adorable, loving and amazing Beast, the incomparable and unforgettable Oliver. We had to make the terrible, tough decision to say goodbye to him at a time of our choosing, as he had fallen into such physical shape as he couldn’t walk, was getting disoriented and restless, and had lost control of his bowels. He was miserable and he deserved better than to have to continue in that shape. We did what was best for him.
Having said that, these past two weeks has been my own personal hell without him, and I honestly find myself unable to function as a person. All I want to do is sit in a dark corner and cry. Once I do that, I’m okay for a day or whatever, but then the sad creeps in again, and the horrible emptiness becomes overwhelming. I knew that this would be super awful. He’s my first baby, and the heartbeat I’ve been focused on for 15.5 years. He was everything for so long, and continued to be among my top everythings for his entire life. Remember, when the baby was born, it was all about how Oliver would handle her? His well being was always, always my priority.
And now he’s gone, and I don’t know what to do with myself. Where he is in the house is a weird, empty bubble of nothingness that should be him, but isn’t. The bubble follows me everywhere: into the kitchen, onto the sofa, into bed, on our walks, out to the backyard, in the car. He’s everywhere, but nowhere, and it’s killing me. I miss him so much, you guys, and I’m so helpless and incapable of straightening myself out when it hits me. I know it’s going to take a long time to get through this, and I told Sydney the other night (after one of my crying fits that made her cry too), that I’m just going to have my Ollie Moments, and they’re going to make me very sad. And that’s all there is to it. I’m just so very, very sad to be in a world without him.
I’m missing him every minute of every day, and his loss is a huge crater in my heart.

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